Saturday, May 27, 2017

Brilliant Sunny Saturday

Good morning friends. This morning the sun is out. Finally! Yesterday I went out golfing with my good friend Gerry. We had a wonderful day. I also golfed with Rick a fantastic  man to be with. Last Monday MaryLou and I went to " Ana's " , a place to pick up some flowers to place around our place an wow, this place was amazing & the flowers were both beautiful and large.
                    ----------------------------








A guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and his redhead wife goes with him.
After the checkup, the doctor calls the wife into his office without her husband.
He says to her, "I'm sorry to tell you this but your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, along with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will soon die:
Every morning, make him a healthy breakfast.
Always be pleasant towards him, and make sure he's in a good mood.
For lunch make him a nice, nutritious meal. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Make sure you don't burden him with chores. And don't discuss your problems with him, because it'll only make his stress even worse.
And most importantly. make love with your husband every night and you must satisfy his every whim.
If you can do this for the next year, I think your husband will get better and regain his health."
After this, the redhead leaves the doctor's office and walks out of the building with her husband.
As they do so, the guy asks his wife. "So what did the doctor say to you?"
The redhead replies, "You're going to die."



A young man was due to get married to a redhead and the night before the wedding he asked his Dad for some marital advice.
His Dad said to him, "Just remind her who wears the pants in your family."
The next evening, after the wedding, the newly-wed couple were in the honeymoon suite.
The husband threw his pants to his new bride and said, "Here put these on."
She did as he said, but after doing so said, "I don't fit into these."
The husband said, "That's right! And don't you forget who wears the pants in this family!"
After he said this, the redhead took off her panties and tossed them at him, saying "Try these on."
He looked at them and said, "I can't get into your panties!"
The redhead said, "That's right. And you won't until your attitude changes!"



 A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.

He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive my car there?"

The genie laughed , "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete-how much steel! And the maintenance of that bridge! No - think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, "I'm married to a redhead. So, I wish that I could understand her... know how she feels inside and what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment...... know what she really wants when she says 'nothing'... know how to make her truly happy......I want to know how she can be so damn sexy one second and be the devils daughter, the next. I really want to understand her and how she thinks!"

The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"


Two sailors on shore leave, walking down the street. They spot a beautiful blonde.

First sailor asks his friend "Have you ever slept with a blonde?"

Second sailor replies that he has.

They walk on further and see an even more beautiful brunette.

First Sailor: Have you ever slept with a brunette?"

Second Sailor" Why yes, in fact I've slept with brunettes on many occasions"

They walk on a little further, and see a gorgeous redhead, who leaves the other two girls for dead.

First Sailor:" Have you ever slept with a redhead then?"

His companion looks at him and replies "Not a wink!"

                 ---------------------------------


                               " SEE YA "
                         ----------------------


                            " Cruisin Paul " 

Friday, May 19, 2017

Cool Friday







Good morning everyone. After having a week of very warm weather, today is in the 60's, down from the near 90's that we had. Yesterday I weent out and played 18 holes of golf with my friend Brian. I was amazed of how good I played. My hitting was good but my putting was down to par. Next next Friday I'll be playing with my friend Gerry. I'm looking forward to it. 
                           -----------------------










A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"


The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".



This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend. The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language." The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church. The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's when you swore." The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?" The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away." The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?" The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole." The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the f...ing putt!"







 A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.

"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."

----------------------------------

Well, that's it for now my friends. Enjoy the day.


 " SEE YA "

" Cruisin Paul " 


Friday, May 12, 2017

Sunny, Sunshine Friday

Good morning my good friends. I got up early this morning. Wow, that shocked my family. Well it also shocked me. ha,ha,ha. 
I had my yearly dentist appointment and everything went very well. My dentist even told me that my teeth were strong and clean. They should be because I told him that I hadn't had a Pepsi or Coca cola for years. I informed him that as I getting older,I'd better take good care of my teeth because I'd already paid a great deal of money fixing my teeth.
Wednesday I went out and hit some golf balls. It felt great hitting tose balls and they were going out as far as I could. I felt great just seeing those golf balls going out.

                                ----------------------------------






A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money? The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido signs back, "OK.! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just LOVE Italian lawyers?



Francis and Isabella were having their usual battle of the sexes.
"Italian men are all stupid," screamed Isabella
"Oh, yeah?" yelled her husband. "I'll have you know it was an Italian man who invented the toilet seat!"
"And I'll have you know," said his wife, "it was an Italian woman who thought of putting a hole in it!"



Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"


"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs.

"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!



 A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi."

 Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail
stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.

'You gonna try again.'

                   --------------------------------

Have a great deal my blogging friends.

                                " SEE YA "


                            " Cruisin Paul "

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Finally, Sunshine Sunday

Good morning my lovely friends. We ended up having a great deal of rain but not as much as those in Texas and Quebec. I feel so sorry for those people. 
These week I have another massage (Tuesday ), going out hitting some golf balls
( Wednesday ) and on Thursday my yearly dentist checkup.
                 ---------------------------------










A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.  The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."


A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."


One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”. The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”. The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would’nt talk to me for a month”. The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”? The man siad “Well the month is up tonight”.


A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’ Her husband replies, ‘Why not? I stuck with you through the other six shades.’


                            -----------------------

Well that's about it for today. Have a great day and enjoy life my good friends.


" SEE YA "

-----------------------------


" CRUISIN PAUL "


Monday, May 1, 2017

Wet, Wet, Wet Monday

Good rainy day friends. Yuk! I got up yhis morning to a lot of rain. After breakfast I went and had a massage. I'm having another one next Tuesday. I feel so much better after having this massage.
                        ----------------------------

 











                   -------------------------------

Well that's about it for now. I'm feeling a little exhausted after the massage. The girl that gave me my massage, told me that I would be a little tired. I'm going to take a rest now.

                                " SEE YA "

                        -------------------------


                      "  CRUISIN PAUL "

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Rain Is Coming Thursday

  
Good morning friends. I woke up with bright sunshine and since I pick up my cup of coffee the sun has left us and it's now getting dark. It's suppose to rain. Oh well. Later today I'm going for lunch with Dan and after that I plan on arranging our dinner.

-----------------------------




A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f**king  potatoes!" 



A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow:  " COME FOR TA BULL "



Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús." 


 Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine. After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed. "Two hundred and fifty dollars, Ma'am," he answered. "Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?" "Raise porcupines, Ma'am."


THREE TREES AND A WOODPECKER
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."

Now wipe that smile off your face. - See more at: http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/animal-jokes/2#sthash.iN1Tvm3x.dpuf
 I wonder if this cat belongs to Trump? 

( Before you get angry with me, remember I'm Canadian )

-------------------------------------------

" SEE YA ! "

-------------------------------------

" CRUISIN PAUL "